generally

We will:-

• make sure you understand exactly what your lawyer needs and wants from you, and that you convey unambiguously to your lawyer exactly what you need and want from him

• make sure your lawyer is complying at all times with all your instructions and working properly and professionally to achieve all your objectives

• send you reports and evaluations so you can see exactly what he's doing and not doing for you

• plan, monitor, model, cost, simulate, scrutinise, criticise and evaluate every relevant thing

• talk you through every detail, every nuance, every issue, every point, every communication

• make sure we all genuinely understand every pixel of what's really going on

• tell you if we think the relationship is lagging, slipping, going nowhere or starting to go off the rails

• sound alarm bells whenever we see something, anywhere, on any issue, that doesn't stack up, add up or smell right. (We have zero tolerance to dysfunctional lawyers and their rackets)

• deal as appropriate with AI and its products.

before hiring

1. Do you really need a lawyer? Tell us the problem and we'll tell you what you really do need before you go lawyer-shopping

2. We'll do some preparatory work on your file. For a start, we'll put it into good order; create a log of documents, phone conversations, events, episodes; create OCRed PDFs etc. of relevant documents and put them into a digital archive; create an inventory of relevant assets and liabilities, issues, points, disputes, etc; create an account of relevant money transactions in and out, and basically get you into shape

3. Out of that exercise might come some interesting progress…

4. If you really do need a lawyer, whatever the subject, wherever the jurisdiction, what sort of lawyer do you need? We'll find genuinely appropriate candidates for you. If they exist, we'll find them (we'll never consider anyone with folded arms; any 'team'; any false, misleading, idiotic advertising such as 'award-winning', 'unrivalled expertise', 'highly regarded', 'personally tailored service', etc.)

5. We'll do deep due diligence (we have our sources) on everything relevant about each candidate: claims, complaints, regulatory, disciplinary, insurance, financial, colleagues, associates, working practices, style, temper, temperament, real and fake personas, tipping points, expertise, experience, authority, credibility, efficiency, effectiveness, cost-effectiveness, honesty of advertising, function, dysfunction, malfunction, use of AI, etc.

6. We'll scrutinise every candidate's take-it-or-leave-it terms of business, charging techniques, billing practices, financial responsibiity and productivity, request for upfront payment, money on account, etc.

7. We'll give you a detailed assessment and evaluation on each available candidate, tell you how he works functionally and dysfunctionally, etc. 

8. If and when you do go shopping sensibly for a genuinely appropriate lawyer for a genuine very well-defined need, we'll draft your specifications, stipulations and communications to candidates and do a dust job on every candidate's replies

9. We'll sit in — visibly or invisibly — on your video calls to candidates and give you our frank opinion

10. We'll help with your decision-making processes (we never recommend any lawyer and we never decide for you). Before and at the crunch stage, we'll especially deal with those not-negotiable terms of business, demands for up-front money, etc.

during the relationship

1. We draft and polish your instructions and other communications to the lawyer

2. We translate, decode, interpret, examine and evaluate everything the lawyer (and his AI) says and writes to you and others. No more legalese, jargon, gibberish, obfuscation, etc.

3. We number, log, catalog and micro-track every relevant word, phrase, point, issue, comment, incident, episode, situation, thing, interaction, relationship and transaction in real time using proprietary software and other techniques. Not one pixel or syllable escapes

4. We check and double-check in real time everything your lawyer does and doesn't do, especially his conformity to your instructions

5. We gross- and net-value in real time in terms of money, time, effort, effect etc. everything the lawyer does and doesn't do, correlated to every known relevant datum

6. We maintain in real time a micro-detailed log, archive, ledger, inventory and account of everything going on and not going on in your relationship: a detailed record of everything

7. We monitor money including charges, costs, fees, expenses, outgoings, commitments, assets, liabilities, receipts, etc.  

8. We scrutinise, demystify, decode, check, double-check and critique in full context every timesheet, bill, bill narrative, financial statement and all other financial and related communications to you from your lawyer and others

9. We'll advise you whether or not to pay a bill, fund a project, endorse a course of action, consent to anything, approve or ratify anything, release or indemnify anyone, start or finish something, and do or not do something within our terms of reference

10. We identify stupidity, obfuscation, obscurity, neglect, error, omission, commission, laziness, inattentiveness, bluff, bluster, bullying, bullshit, bamboozling, etc.

11. We draft your communications to your lawyer.

bust-up plus

1. We'll say we told you so.

2.  We formulate irrefutable unanswerable internal and external comments, criticisms, complaints and claims

3. We assess and value what the lawyer has really done and not done for you in compliance or disregard of your instructions, consistently or inconsistently with the information you have given him

4. we scrutinise and evaluate the lawyer's internal complaint process

5. We consider what went wrong and how you can get genuine justice and recompense

6. We draft your communications to your lawyer.

any time

1. We keep our eagle eye on every relevant thing the target lawyer does and doesn't do for and against you

2. Our proprietary app keeps you informed in real time

3. We micro-manage and micro-monitor the customer-lawyer relationship so that you don't have to.